Without You
by alygator86
Summary: MerDer songfic. Takes place shortly after Addison came to Seattle and goes from there. Oneshot


Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic. Nothing.

Rating: K+

Songfic using Without You from _Rent_

**Starts shortly after Addison comes to Seattle and goes from there.**

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Derek had gone. He didn't sign the papers and he'd gone back to New York with Satan. Meredith, in return, dove into work, working as often as possible and when she wasn't working she was best friends with tequila – her pain reliever.

Without you

The ground thaws

The rain falls

The grass grows

Before she knew it Christmas had come and gone. The holiday was never important to her and his leaving made it even more depressing. Who would have thought the guy in the bar would be her undoing?

Without you

The seeds root

The flowers bloom

The children play

She continued her marathon working, trying to keep her mind off of him. Work, tequila, more tequila, some sleeping with inappropriate men. Her friends tried helping her and telling her was an ass and to forget about him. But she couldn't because with him, she had been done.

The stars gleam

The poets dream

The eagles fly

Without you

Derek moved back to New York with Addison to try and work on their marriage. The truth was he really didn't want to. Addison suggested therapy so they went. Addison suggested going on double dates with Weiss and Savvy so he went and pretended he was having fun. When he wasn't going on with Addison's suggestions he, too, was working as much as possible. It seemed logical: the less free time he had the less time he had to thing about Meredith, think about how head he felt without her.

The earth turns

The sun burns

But I die

Without you

For Christmas Addison tried to get him to go catalogue shopping with her, like the old times, like there was hope of this working between them. She finally asked him what was going on. And he told her. He told her he fell in love with Meredith. The shot time they were together wasn't a fling because he was in love with her. He told Addison he would work on falling out of love with Meredith but it would take some time and he was trying. That was a lie.

Without you

The breeze warms

The girl smiles

The cloud moves

Preston Burke kept in touch with Derek through emails and text messages. He would let Derek know how Meredith was doing even though Derek was supposed to be trying with Addison. As it turned out neither Derek nor Meredith were doing any better. It was like life was going on around each of them but it didn't matter because they weren't together.

Without you

The tides change

The boys run

The oceans crash

The crowds roar

The days soar

The babies cry

Without you

Derek was working in a conference room one night a few months after Christmas when he got a text message from Burke which read: 'There was a code black and the bomb was in the body. Meredith put her hand in the body. Bomb squad got the bomb out and went down the hall. Meredith followed out of the room to see for some reason. Bomb went off but Meredith is ok'. Derek read the message a few times, his heart racing, before sending back: 'Thanks for telling me, I'm glad everyone's alright'.

The moon glows

The river flows

But I die

Without you

Suddenly Derek had an intense need to hear Meredith's voice. He believed Burke but he needed the proof himself. He picked up the phone and was about to dial Meredith's number when his phone rang. The caller ID read 'Meredith' and he answered it.

"Meredith."

"Hi," she answered meekly.

"You're ok," he stated.

"Pretty much," she replied, "I almost died today."

He nodded even though she couldn't see it. "You almost did."

There was a pause.

"I was standing there with the bomb in my hand and I realized I can't remember our last kiss. I was thinking 'I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss'. The last time we kissed and we were together and happy. I know its stupid and you're with Addison…I want to be able to remember it."

"It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little "Dartmouth" T-shirt you look so good in, the one with the hole in the back of the neck. You'd just washed your hair and you smelled like some kind of... flower. I was running late for surgery. You said you were going to see me later, and you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. And you went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."

"Lavender. My hair smelled like lavender... from my conditioner," she told him.

The world revives

Colors renew

But I know blue

Only blue

Lonely blue

Within me, blue

Without you

"I'm glad you didn't die today," he told her, having to remember the lavender information, "And I'm glad you called me."

"I miss you," she admitted. It was easier over the phone.

"I miss you too."

Izzie shouted through her bedroom door to come downstairs for food.

"I have to go," she told him.

"Ok," he had made up his mind, "I'll see you later."

Without you

The hand gropes

The ear hears

The pulse beats

In that moment he realized that living on the other side of the country from Meredith was bad enough. He didn't know what he'd do if she had actually died. He had to divorce Addison. Their marriage was over long before Meredith or Mark and he should have never come back to New York. He would never fall out of love with Meredith and he didn't want to try.

Without you

The eyes gaze

The legs walk

The lungs breathe

Meredith was cleaning up finishing laundry. It had been three weeks since the code black incident, since she called him. She thought it was a little strange that he told her he'd see her later. She'd told George, Izzie, and Cristina that she talked to him. George mumbled something that sounded like an insult towards him, Izzie similed but asked it that was a good idea then proceeded to bake a ton of chocolate chip cookies for Meredith – there were still some left. Cristina flat out told her it was a bad idea and that she was supposed to be letting him go.

There was a knock on the door and she went to answer it. She opened the door to see him in jeans and a sweater over top a button down shirt looking fabulous and she was in sweats and her Dartmouth shirt. They stood for a moment, staring at each other. Derek notices Meredith's hair was longer and Meredith was pretty sure Derek had lost some weight.

She spoke first. "What are you doing here?"

"I made the wrong choice," he told her, "I made the wrong choice and I knew I was making the wrong choice. But I had to try. What kind of person would I be if I didn't? But the whole time I wanted to be with you."

The mind churns

The heart yearns

The tears dry

Without you

Life goes on

But I'm gone

Cause I die

Without you

"You left. You chose her and you left me," she replied, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm sorry. I should have known….I'm sorry."

They stood in silence again for a few moments before Meredith said, "The kind of person who isn't true to their word."

"What?" he asked, his confusion apparent on his face.

"You asked what kind of person would you be if you didn't try. You wouldn't be you."

He laughed slightly, it was more of a quick exhalation of air that was supposed to be like a laugh. "The ironic part is that I'm not me without you. When I was with Addison I was the New York doctor guy. But with you…with you I'm me…I'm in love with you," he held up his hand as she tried to say something, "I know I left and I was an ass and probably have no right to say this but I'm in love with you."

Her eyes filled with tears at his declaration but she did no cry, "Why did you come here now?"

"I wanted the divorce to be taken care of before I came back. When you called me three weeks ago…When Burke told me what happened in that moment I realized I wouldn't know what to do if you weren't here. It was bad enough being away from you."

"Like you were dead inside," she whispered.

He nodded, "Yeah," he stepped closer to her until he was less than a foot away from her. "I'm so sorry, Meredith."

She hugged him and felt elated when he wrapped his arms around her.

"You're divorced?" she asked quietly.

He nodded slightly, "I'm divorced."

"No more secrets?"

"No more."

"If we're going to do this we're going to take things slow and do the dating thing," she told him.

"The dating thing?" he chuckled.

She hit him lightly on the back, smiling, "Yes."

"Ok. And you have to be bossy," he told her.

"It keeps you in line," she buried her face in his neck, breathing in his scent. "I'm in love with you, too," she mumbled.

He heard it and squeezed her a little. They knew it would be hard but they would be ok. They would be Meredith and Derek.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

I saw the stage version of Rent last Sunday and got the idea during the song.

The fic was meant to highlight the times between Meredith and Derek. If you notice, the only dialogue is between them and there is very little mention of Addison or anyone else.

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